Holidays after separation can feel especially hard. There is a lot of hype and societal pressure that holidays are meant to be a time to be surrounded by those we love, and a time of joyous celebration. During or after a separation, this pressure can feel almost unbearable. These days can be especially hard, as you may be feeling anything but celebratory. Because as parents you want to spend your holiday time with your children, how parents share time with children on holidays is an especially fraught topic.
If both parents are involved in the child’s life on a regular basis (apart from circumstances where there are concerns about safety to the child) it is likely they will share holiday time with the child or children. It can be very difficult, especially when newly navigating a separation, to make clear decisions on what is best for holiday time with the child and their parents. Below are some guideposts to consider in making a holiday schedule with your child’s other parent:
Your old traditions may change
You may have always had dessert on Christmas Eve with your child(ren) at your aunt’s house when you were in a relationship, but it does not mean that you will still have that tradition every year going forward after a separation. Both parents are generally entitled to share in holiday time. This may mean you alternate holidays, or traditions change after separation. Even if one side of the extended family always celebrated Christmas, and the other celebrated Thanksgiving, that does not mean that the child will always be with Mom for Christmas and Dad for Thanksgiving, unless that is what the parents agree. Each parent is entitled to create new memories. Holidays are changing for the parents, and will change for the child as well. Keeping things exactly how they have always been is likely impossible, and does not mean it is what would be best for the child. The Courts will look at what is best for the child going forward, rather than solely what has always historically been done during the relationship. Having holiday memories with both parents is a benefit to the child, even if that means that how they celebrate the holidays looks different than it did when the parents were in a relationship. Quality time with each parent for the holidays is likely more important to the child than that they always go to see the same side of the family for a specific holiday.
There are many ways to allow a child to feel connected with the other parent on a holiday, even if they are not with them. You can allow access to FaceTime or phone calls with the other parent. If you are not the parent with the holiday day that year, see if you can set up your own special holiday time on a different date. Celebrations are about the love shared, not the date on the calendar. Make your own new traditions that can be fun.
Joint holidays are not always best for the child
Especially when a separation is new and fresh, the reaction is often that parents will do holidays together to keep things as ‘normal’ for the kids as possible. While it may seem that doing things as they have always been done is best for the children, often it can be confusing for them. Children may think that reconciliation of their parents is occurring, or is at least possible. This may be setting them up for unrealistic expectations.
Also, if the tension is thick in the house for the holiday, they will feel it. Parents may not want to be around one another right after a separation, or may not be the best versions of themselves. If parents are hostile toward one another, or uncomfortable, it is likely the children will pick up on these emotions. They may also feel an internal conflict relative to how they show affection toward both parents, not wanting to upset either of their parents. They may feel divided or that they are showing “alliance” to one parent over the other, making them unclear on how to show their affection.
For a newly separated couple, it can be confusing as well. Are you setting up the expectation that you will always do joint holidays? This can lead to future conflict, when at some point in time in future years there may be subsequent romantic partners or even children. Traditions may need to change. It is generally best for everyone to set out on a clear footing and communicate expectations after a separation. Acting as if nothing has changed, when it clearly has, just to celebrate a holiday may not be the most authentic way to celebrate. Be thoughtful of what is best for both you, your former partner and your child in deciding how to celebrate holidays. You do not want to send mixed messages either to your former partner or to the children that may lead to confusion and additional heartache.
Splitting the day in half is not always best
Often it is suggested that parents just share a holiday by splitting the time of the day in half. Although this schedule can be a way that the children get to see each parent, it is important to focus on quality of time with the children rather than the quantity of time. Switching the children at noon on every holiday may be disruptive and leave everyone feeling they are spending a lot of the day in the car traveling rather than enjoying the holiday. If you are switching the children right in the middle of the meal, it may leave them feeling they did not get a true celebration with either parent. A way around this is to alternate holidays each year rather than splitting the day. This way the children get true quality time with each parent and each extended family and can relax and enjoy the day knowing what they are doing, and not concentrating on when they will be transitioning to the other parent’s house.
You do have say in the matter
Speak up! You and your child’s other parent know what holidays you have always celebrated, your traditions, and your child better than anyone else. Typical holiday schedules may not take into account certain things that your family or religion always do. If you always celebrate the 3rd of July instead of the 4th of July, make that clear. Raise these issues in advance. Write out what holidays are important to you early on in a draft separation agreement, and propose how you might share them. Traditions may change upon separation, but you have the ability to set preferences and speak with your child’s other parent to figure out what is best for the child. Keeping your children’s best interest at heart when creating a holiday schedule rather than your own, and having the willingness to adapt holidays over time in the years to come will set your child up for the most success in enjoying their holidays. If you need assistance in making some of these determinations, reaching out to a counselor for yourself or the child may be beneficial.
Once you have made a holiday schedule, present it in a positive way to the child, and let them know what they can expect. Children handle these transitions best when they have clear direction on what will be occurring, and they believe that both of their parents are in support of what they are doing. Discuss any issues with holiday schedules separately, without involving the children in any adult fighting. Holidays after separation do not need to be upsetting for the children. What they can and will remember is the love the felt on the holidays. They will have new traditions and memories they enjoy.
DISCLAIMER: This is not intended to be individual legal advice of any kind, and each divorce matter is fact-specific and state-specific. We advise you to seek independent legal advice as it pertains to you and your case matter.